An Autobiography.
by: Me.

So, I originally wrote this thing a while ago, and since it is so long, I’m not rereading it. So if I repeat anything, sorry, your loss. Have I talked about what I like to collect? No? OK. So, I collect MUNI transfers. I just took several pictures of them, I will post them shortly. I also collect movie tickets. I have a shoebox of them. One of these days I will take a picture of them, and you can see their glory. Somewhere farther down, you will see that some text is struckthrough, which is because it no longer applies. I now have a camera phone! Yahoo! (not to be meant to endorse any companies) Hmmm, this isn’t written in the same style as before, is it? Sorry. I like Family Guy. My favorite episode is… I can’t remember, but the best part of any family guy episode is when the evil monkey that lives in chris’ closet comes out and rolls a fatty and then starts to smoke it. I don’t know why, but that is quite possibly the greatest piece of television I have ever witnessed. Hmmm, I had glorious visions of lots of new biography to write, except now I can’t think of anything. Well, here’s more useless trivia: I enjoy writing letters. I enjoy buying CDs from the record store. Yes, record store. It’s a place where people go to buy music, not download it illegally off the internet. Is that a concept that is hard to understand for you? Hmm? JK. By the way, the other thing that bugs me is this: Whenever I say JK, or JK Psychout, people are like, “Ew! You actually say that outside of AIM??!!” And I’m just like, “What the FUCK are you talking about?! I absorbed that from my cousins when I was like 5! I’M AN OG, BITCH! I BEEN SAYING JK FOR 10 YEARS! WHAT, BITCH?! CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?!” At least, that’s what I wish I could say. Another thing, I have an odd fascination with the word fuck. It just sounds so beautiful. I have several favorite words, and probably my most favourite is Lachrymal. And papillon, or papillonaceous. Wait, I think I already talked about this; nevermind. Why the fuck am I so weird? I have to come to numerous conclusions. My ideas are as follows: 1) I saw the lost boys at a young age. I woke up in the middle of the night, and my dad was watching porn, and he quickly changed the channel to FX, or something, and it was The Lost Boys! So I sat down and watched. * shudders * 2)Roald Dahl. Permanently warped my perspective on life. 3)R.L. Stine. Fucking asshole, but I liked his books. 4)Reading adult novels at an early age. Particularly ones with homoeroticism involved. I guess I shouldn’t have read so much. 5) Reading the shining at an early age. 6) Making my action figures have sex. 7) OK, this was my sexual fantasy when I was little: There was this house in the country, and this woman used to come to it to see the resident doctor, and he used to place moths all over her naked body while she lay naked and strapped down on a medical bed. That was it. Naked women and moths. No wonder I have this odd fascination with lepidopterologists. Look it up, bitch. OK, so now maybe you can understand why I’m so weird. I enjoy living life as a very happy person, and I hate being sad. I like freaking people out with my weirdness, but only sometimes. I like being like practically the only person with a phone that doesn't have color, no camera, and isn't a flip phone. I like how I go to a private school even though I am so opposed to the idea, of private school, cept I still go there. Sometimes I like being hippocritical, like how I am uber-anti-religion, cept I love my Jesus is My Homeboy shirt. I like saying shucks. I like wearing a hat everyday of my life, even at home, and how when I take my hat off people are like, "Whoa did you get a haircut?" I love it when I say I go to Lick-Wilmerding, and people are like, " Lick what? Lick my dick???" My glasses are broken and crooked, so I always look like I've just been punched in the face or something. It's really weird how little girls are obsessed with me. I'm not being vain; but they like to follow me around and shit. I've been volunteering at this Childcare thing for the summer, and the little girls there enjoy doing nothing but following me around and jumping for joy everytime they get to touch me. I seriously had to tell them, "my body is off limits." It's kind of sad. the only action I can get is from 10 year olds. *sighs* Anyway, I like how stupid it is that all these guys are wearing pink now. It's suddenly "cool." I like how it wasn't "cool" until everyone started doing it. Stupid men. Although, it is a nice color... *restrain yourself, Julian!!!* but it's such a beautiful color! so, I enjoy listening to music, and I enjoy just taking aimless walks. Like, walking out the door and turning left or right, whichever way the wind is blowing, and just walking, sometime for hours. walking is a real nice way to get away from it all. That's another thing I like; serenity. I like spending time alone; however, too much time alone makes me depressed, so I like it in doses. I couldn't be a hermit, just a part-time hermit. I think two great band names would be The Three-Legged Cats and The Blue Meanies, but unfortunately no one else seems to like them. I hate poseurs. (yes, that is how you spell it.) I enjoy going to playgrounds, not to molest children, but to play on the structures. I don't mean crappy play structures with like a slide, a ladder, and swings, but with all the bridges, platforms, several slides, and tall heights to jump from. My favorites in San Francisco are Bernal park (aka The Park Behind the Library, but only to me), Children's Playground, and that new playground they built behind West Portal Station, tentitavely titled West Portal Playground. I enjoy going to playgrounds because, for one thing, I find it so much fun, every facet of it. And, again, I AM NOT A CHILD MOLESTER. I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF THIS SEVERAL TIMES. A psychologist might say I enjoy it because it makes me feel young again, and although I do wish I was younger and still in elementary school (ahhh, memories of Midtown, and yes Peter Pan is one of my favorite movies), I mainly do it because it is fun. I have been accused of being a chronic exaggerator, which I suppose is true. I have had many nicknames. Hoolio, Jules, The Green Cow, and my current and favorite is Twinkie Bear. Three people call me that, and they are most likely the best friends I have ever had. They know who they are. I love you guys! When I was younger I used to try to give myself nicknames, to no avail. I enjoy listening to music that makes me feel good; I often describe this as Orgasmic Music, or Musica Orgasma. (or is it orgasmica?) No, it is not music that gives me an orgasm, it is just music that is so good, so amazing, so... good-feeling, it literally induces shivers/goosebumps. I enjoy riding MUNI, and it is my goal to ride every single route from beginning to end before I move to Canada. (more about that later) I enjoy collecting but transfers, and I keep them in a box under my bed, I have one that is very very old, probably at least 10 years. Each month, I am continually upset at MUNI's choice of another dull transfer color. I wish they would have that bright turquoise again... "Maybe next month," I always say. I wish I could live a more spontaneous life, but it is the wishes of my parents to know where I am and who I am with almost every second I am not in school or at home. *sigh* Maybe after I turn 16 in October. Yes, this october I will turn 16, and no, I will not be able to drive you around. Again, the wishes of my parents are that I can use public transportation, which is fine by me; however, I would love to be able to drive anyway. Canada: It is my dream to immigrate (or is it emigrate?) to Canada after college, or perhaps go there for college, and to open a record store. Most people ;s immediate reaction is one of three things: 1: What's a record? 2: But you'll sell cds, right? (and to this my answer is: okok, by record I mean a store that sells cds, whatever you would like to call them.) 3: Why Canada? The third question I can no longer answer. Partly because I am tired of answering it (Why? Because I fucking want to, alright!? is the typical dialogue), partly because I have forgotten the answer, and partly because there is some unconscious reason. It is almost as if I have been hypnotized, although I assure you I have not been hypnotized. It's more of an allure that Canada has. I used to say because of the cold weather (I enjoy snow, rain, fog, gloominess; and I absolutely hate hot weather, and I used to start a conversation about Michael Moore, although I had never read his books or seen his movies. ME: You know Michael Moore's movie, Bowling for Columbine? YOU: Yes. ME: You know that part about how no one locks their doors? YOU: Yes. ME: That's why. Or I would say that Canada is so safe, and open to new people, it's so diverse, the people have a funny accent, I like the French, or some other gobbledygoop. Was I making this up to satisfy my questioning self? I still don't know, I still don't know why I wish to move to Canada. SO PLEASE DON"T FUCKING ASK ME! I like how for some reason, when my friends tell people about me, their immediate reaction is, "Hmmm, he sounds Gay." (Actually, that's only happened once, but I think only once have one of my friends told someone about me.) And I guess I do seem kind of gay. I mean, I also suppose that's half-true. Being a bisexual, does that mean that I must fulfill gay stereotypes as well as straight ones? Good question... Anyway, I am very effeminate. I hate sports, I sqeek alot, I am a weakling, I'm not very brave. Am I offending anyone? If so, I apologize. Perhaps I am portraying a negative stereotype of girls. Hah, that's funny. A guy exhibiting the stereotypical girl. Hah. Anyway... What was I saying? I lost it. I like duct tape, and I enjoy making wallets out of duct tape. I actually upholstered a chair using duct tape. I enjoy using slang words. I have several favorite words, only one of which I can recall now. It is papillonaceous. Which means like a butterfly. I just think it's so weird/great that there is a word for when something is like a butterfly. On an interesting side-note, I also considered pursuing a career in Lepidopterology, which is the study of moths and butterflies. A very good book that is a favorite of mine is The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, I swear to god it will change your life, even though I am not religious.